"Every time I have a dream about him, the dream is different, but the precise is always the same..."

Rasharn was my first love, actually, he was my first for pretty much everything. I met him when I was 16. He was a thug, a STRAIGHT hustla who lived in Boston and me, I was a quiet, shy girl from the hood in Springfield. Long story short, while visiting family in Boston we met. It took awhile for cupid to "assassinate" me, but when he did, it was OVER. To say I fell head over heels is an understatement. I loved him with every inch of my soul... His street slang, drug dealing, block huggin ways, and my shy, virginal (literally), book smart, around the way girl "charm" was completely opposite but it worked! We often compared ourselves to Jay Z and Beyonce, especially seeing how people did not understand how the two of us loved each other so...

This relationship carried on for 8 years. Between fights, him doing time off and on, Rasharn and I tried to maintain what we perceived as a "healthy" relationship. About 4 years ago, I had a wake up call, and I abruptly ended things with him. I applauded myself for being able to turn my back and not cave in. It was so cold and calculated, which was something he truly wasn't used to. Now, I am being haunted by dreams of him... and when I dream of Rasharn, I can count on the fact that I am going to dream about him consistently for at least 2 weeks. In EVERY single dream, I run into him somewhere, and I say to him "I am so glad I finally ran into you and I'm not dreaming"... then I wake up. Once I realize I actually was dreaming, I am left with this gut-wrenching, empty feeling that I can not even translate into words. It KILLS me...

Sharnee, if you are out there, I guess I just wanna say, I stand by the decision I made, but I truly orchestrated it in the wrong way. With ALL we been through, I should have never turned my back on you the way I did. You taught me how to love, laugh and most important, you taught me how to toughen up. I am waiting for that day when I DO run into and I don't wake up in a cold sweat. I just want to know if you're ok and wish you and your son (who I recently found out you have) well. I remember when you said you didn't deserve me because you thought I was too good for you, but you were wrong. We BOTH made mistakes and we could have taken the time and effort to sort things out, but I took that option away from you. Rasharn, I will ALWAYS have a place in my heart for you, and again, hopefully you and I will cross paths, and when we do, it will TRULY be a dream come true.

P.S. Rasharn is indeed his real name, I decided not to change it. I am off to go to bed in a few... let's see what I dream about.

Labels: about me, beyonce, broken-heart, dating, dreams, jay-z, memories, music, wu tang clan