As you may be aware from reading a couple of my past blogs, lately I have been struggling with a difficult decision I made in my past. This decision caused me to lose someone who was VERY dear to me. While reflecting on my past actions and wishing I handled things differently, I suddenly had an epiphany... I CAN NOT CHANGE THE PAST! I truly can not continue beating myself up for my past actions, all I can do at this point is learn from them, and allow them to make me a better person; daughter, grand daughter, sister, lover, friend. Rather than second guess my actions, I can use the experience to think rationally before making future decisions. Most importantly, I realized rather than sulk and mourn about who I lost, I should use that energy to cherish and value those who are CURRENTLY in my life, and demonstrate my affection to the fullest. So, to all my friends and family: I want to say thank you for listening to me and for providing an outlet for me to vent. I love you all and I will be sure to take the time to show it.
With that being said, I will forgive my heart for my past decisions and move forward with my "romantic life" (which is currently a work in progress, stay tuned)!
<3 Peace & Love

Labels: broken-heart, dating, love

Are you haunted by dreams of me too?
Do you reminisce about all the crazy fun times we had?
Do you regret those unnecessary arguments? Fights?
Do you remember how I'm EXACTLY 21 days older than you?
Do you remember how much your mom loved me?
Do you remember what "jack rabbits" we were?
Do you still remember what I look like?
Do you remember when you hid your "burner" under my couch and I grabbed it thinking it was my shoe?
Do you remember that bullshit smirk I would give you when you were talking trash to me?
Do you remember BUGGIN off of "It was Written", "The Infamous", "Ironman", and "Only Built for Cuban Linx?"
Do you remember how short I am compared to you?
Do you remember ALL those letters you wrote me?
Do you remember our song? I STILL can't listen to it without feeling numb...
Do you remember ALL those times I would visit you while you were locked up?
Do you remember when you made me cry?
Do you remember wiping my tears?
Do you remember when I made you cry?
Do you remember how I feel? how I smell? the sound of my voice?

Do you think I'll ever run into you again? I was just wondering....

Labels: about me, broken-heart, memories, poetry

"Every time I have a dream about him, the dream is different, but the precise is always the same..."

Rasharn was my first love, actually, he was my first for pretty much everything. I met him when I was 16. He was a thug, a STRAIGHT hustla who lived in Boston and me, I was a quiet, shy girl from the hood in Springfield. Long story short, while visiting family in Boston we met. It took awhile for cupid to "assassinate" me, but when he did, it was OVER. To say I fell head over heels is an understatement. I loved him with every inch of my soul... His street slang, drug dealing, block huggin ways, and my shy, virginal (literally), book smart, around the way girl "charm" was completely opposite but it worked! We often compared ourselves to Jay Z and Beyonce, especially seeing how people did not understand how the two of us loved each other so...

This relationship carried on for 8 years. Between fights, him doing time off and on, Rasharn and I tried to maintain what we perceived as a "healthy" relationship. About 4 years ago, I had a wake up call, and I abruptly ended things with him. I applauded myself for being able to turn my back and not cave in. It was so cold and calculated, which was something he truly wasn't used to. Now, I am being haunted by dreams of him... and when I dream of Rasharn, I can count on the fact that I am going to dream about him consistently for at least 2 weeks. In EVERY single dream, I run into him somewhere, and I say to him "I am so glad I finally ran into you and I'm not dreaming"... then I wake up. Once I realize I actually was dreaming, I am left with this gut-wrenching, empty feeling that I can not even translate into words. It KILLS me...

Sharnee, if you are out there, I guess I just wanna say, I stand by the decision I made, but I truly orchestrated it in the wrong way. With ALL we been through, I should have never turned my back on you the way I did. You taught me how to love, laugh and most important, you taught me how to toughen up. I am waiting for that day when I DO run into and I don't wake up in a cold sweat. I just want to know if you're ok and wish you and your son (who I recently found out you have) well. I remember when you said you didn't deserve me because you thought I was too good for you, but you were wrong. We BOTH made mistakes and we could have taken the time and effort to sort things out, but I took that option away from you. Rasharn, I will ALWAYS have a place in my heart for you, and again, hopefully you and I will cross paths, and when we do, it will TRULY be a dream come true.

P.S. Rasharn is indeed his real name, I decided not to change it. I am off to go to bed in a few... let's see what I dream about.

Labels: about me, beyonce, broken-heart, dating, dreams, jay-z, memories, music, wu tang clan